Jill Tubman

In order to prevent certain frightened white people in your office or workplace from bringing a gun to work and going postal on your ass, JJP would like to provide the following public safety tips on handling the victory of Barack Obama. Really, it’s important to show some self-restraint today, people, especially if you live in a red state or a battleground state. Please note: this is satire inspired by the expressed fears of some McCain supporters & white supremacists online of what would happen if Obama was elected.

DO NOT:

  • Declare today a official national holiday and give everyone the day off
  • Shred all the post it notes in your office and dance around your workplace strewing the pieces like confetti saying any of the following:
    • “Land-a-goshen! Land-a-goshen!!!
    • “Obama is President! Obama is President!!! Obama, Obama, OBAMA!!!!! YAYYYYYY!
    • “I OWN you bitches!”
    • “Now y’all are gonna pay for what you’ve done to me!”
    • “Wheeeeeee!!!!” “Whoooooo Hooooooo!!!”
    • “Suckas! HAHAHAHAHA”
    • “Where the white women at!!!”
  • Send an inter-office email asking all white people in your office to bring all their shiny and/or electronic stuff to your office, cubicle or locker
  • Send an inter-office email asking all white people in your office to bring all their shiny and/or electronic stuff from home on Thurs to your office, cubicle or locker
  • Request all white people form an orderly line during lunch for the purposes of kneeling, kissing your hand and begging for mercy under a new Obama administration
  • Promote yourself to CEO, manager, director, vice president or president unilaterally
  • Give yourself a raise unilaterally
  • Fire anyone
  • Point and giggle, titter, or guffaw in the presence of people in your office you know voted for McCain and look on Wed like they just swallowed something very nasty
  • Threaten anyone i.e. “Don’t make me call Michelle Obama or Oprah on yo ass. Cuz you know I will!”
  • Tell anyone that your cousin works for the Obama campaign. Especially if you live in Chicago. Just hang onto that information for now.
  • Do the Obama hustle all day long in your office
  • Blast Obama speeches loudly all day from your computer, tv or radio
  • Make references to the the 25th dynasty of Ancient Egypt. You know, the one where the Nubians took over and restored the land to prosperity. Avoid mentions of black pharoahs or pharoahs in general.

DO:

  • Smile — just ever so slightly — and nod when someone asks you how you feel about Obama’s big win. Say something like: “I believe this is a victory for ALL Americans whether you voted for him…or not.” Continue to smile and nod at whatever is said next.
  • Ask nicely and politely for a raise and/or promotion. Definitely do this today.
  • Casually drop hints that you’ll be in the conference room around lunchtime in case anyone wants to bring by their shiny and/or electronic stuff for you to look at….
  • Accept shiny, expensive and/or electronic gifts graciously, e.g. “Why Bill, you bedazzled an iPod…just for me? It’s not even my birthday. Ain’t that something? That is so sweet. My kids are gonna love it!” Or “Wow, a gift card? For me? Ashley, you shouldn’t have.”
  • Allow white people to give you high fives and/or do the bump with you (Heyyy!), but only for today.
  • Wait until next Monday at the earliest to fire any white people
  • Accept apologies with grace. If someone wants to apologize for something, anything at all on Wed or really for the rest of the week, just nod your head and smile.
  • Play Obama speeches from your office computer, tv or radio…softly.
  • Name that baby you made last night “Barack” or “Baracka” or “Michelle”
  • Do what black people have been doing for generations: Pull tearful, sad or uncomfortable-looking white people into your arms, hold them and tell them it’s going to be OK. “Mmm hmm….I know, baby….You gonna be alright?…Yeah, you’re gonna be fine.” Keep a box or packet of tissues handy.

In summary, remember: show restraint. Smile slightly and nod. And hug a white person today. Do it…for America.